This morning when I went out to get the paper, an acorn hit me on the head. For a full minute or two, as I sat there dazed on the driveway, I thought the sky was falling.
I am happy to report that in fact the sky is not falling. However, I can't tell you how hard it is to produce a newspaper every stinkin' day. And that includes Sundays. The cost of everything just keeps going up and up and up, and as a result we have been forced to adopt some cost-cutting measures. I mean, heavens, we couldn't dream of letting our profit margin slip a percentage point or two. No way. Not when there are jobs to be axed and pages to be condensed.
For example, let me warn you about a couple of upcoming changes you'll see in the paper starting, well, today. Nobody likes these changes, but by god, we're going to do them anyway.
1.) Smaller pages sizes. We're reducing the overall size of a page of our paper to 8.5" x 11". I know it's a lot smaller than what you're used to, but let's face it: this standard size makes sense. All schoolkids' homework, and the vast majority of business letters, are written on 8.5 x 11 paper. Why should we be any different?
2.) Smaller font sizes. We're going to reduce most articles' font size from 10 or 11 to 3 or 4. Smaller fonts take less ink to print, right? Thus we save money. There may be a little additional strain on the readers' eyes, but we think you'll understand. Hey, we're all in this boat together. If we don't start bailing now, we're going to have to push some of you overboard.
3.) Smaller overall edition sizes. From now on, the Monday and Tuesday editions will be printed on one sheet of paper each. Don't worry though. Each sheet will be printed on both sides, effectively doubling the amount of coverage! The smaller paper will of course save on printing and delivery costs. This will also be a convenience for many readers, as some dedicated delivery drivers will now be able to slip the entire paper right under the subscriber's door, thus eliminating the need to step outside to get the paper.
4.) Reduced delivery areas. For areas east of Palo Cedro, we're trying out a new delivery technology. We'll be printing the entire issue, each day, for these areas, on a special piece of paper about the size of the average postage stamp. We'll drop them from a large helium balloon tethered at the RS when wind conditions are favorable, and studies show that anywhere from 50 to 60% of these "stamps" will make it to within a one-mile radius of subscriber's homes in the foothills. Of course, the print on these stamps will be incredibly tiny. But we've thought of a brilliant work-around for this problem. We will be issuing free magnifying glasses to residents in the effected areas. The one-time cost of magnifying lenses to all effected subscribers is minuscule compared to the savings we'll achieve with the stamp issue.
5.) More reduced delivery areas. Likewise, we're looking into a similar en masse delivery system for subscribers south of Anderson, using a device kind of like a snow-making machine mounted on the bed of a semi truck, which will spew the issues east and west as it heads south on I-5 every day.
6.) "Special Wednesday" issue. A new concept we're going to be trying, certain to create a greater sense of community, is something we call the "Special Wednesday issue." Each Wednesday only twelve copies of the paper will be printed. They will be tacked up at the local library of each of our service areas, free for anyone to come read. In those areas without a library, the issue will be tacked up at the local feed store. Of course, the savings to the RS from this one day of reduced printing expenses will be enormous. And we're looking into alternative, cheaper methods of attachment, so we don't have to waste money on thumbtacks, either. For instance, certain folks generate a type of saliva that is relatively sticky. That could be used for the adhesion process, and it would be absolutely free!
7.) Smaller plastic rain bags. When it rains, we have to go to the tremendous bother of putting each stinkin' paper in a little plastic bag. Now, I know the vast majority of you are morons, imbeciles or just plain retards, but you don't think those plastic bags grow on tress, do you? Heck no. They, like everything else involved with producing a paper every stinkin' day, cost money. So from now on, on rainy days we will be issuing our carriers one sandwich-sized baggie (fold top, of course-- you know how much those zip-locs cost?!) per paper. If the paper is too big to fit in the baggie, we will be encouraging our delivery personnel to get creative. For instance, does the subscriber have a doghouse nearby, into which you could put the paper? Is there a porch, an awning, a doormat at the front of the house that could shelter the paper? A stray piece of tinfoil, perhaps, or a clever stacking of rocks, which by the way, are free? We're sure that our subscribers will enjoy a new sense of adventure as they go slogging through their muddy front yards looking for the paper on rainy days. On snowy days, we will also issue baggies, unless it's a particularly dry snow (water content of 23% or less). Of course, truly dedicated delivery persons are always free to knock on the door of each subscriber and personally hand them the day's issue, on those rare Northern California rainy days.
We have other cost-cutting measures in mind, and we'll unleash those on you in a few days or weeks, once you've had a chance to get used to the changes outlined above. Don't be surprised if you see more personnel cuts, and smaller issues, and even smaller fonts (we're checking into micro-engraving on dandelion seeds, which can float for miles in the slightest breeze), in the weeks ahead. But, again, it's all for the better, and we're more dedicated than ever to bring you all the local news and world events every day, as long as it doesn't cost too much.
And remember, we are all on this boat together. We're bailing as hard and as fast as we can... but don't put away your flippers, either.
~LF
